Are All Golfers On Viagra?

I can't imagine that every golfer suffers from "E.D." or has urinary flow issues, yet you might think so, judging by the sheer volume of advertising for remedies to those ailments that you see when watching golf. They're all about the same - a guy's wife gives him the "let's do it" nod, and then the faucet blows a gasket, or some other guy takes his middle-aged squeeze dancing or for a motorcycle ride, and next thing you know, "the moment is right..."

Here's what cracks me up - the spots with the grey-haired guys riding around in a vintage Mustang convertible with heavy metal music playing, and the voice-over starts talking about always having the urge to "go." I just don't see the association between heavy metal lead guitar riffs and a weak stream. Is this their way of acknowledging that there's still a rock-star wannabe inside each of these swollen-prostate-owning old farts?

I'm concerned about the prevalence of this advertising during golf coverage, golf programs, on The Golf Channel, and in golf magazines. Face it dudes - this is an old man's sport for a million reasons. Start with municipal courses, where I like to play. The places are overrun with retirees, and they don't show a lot of patience for the youngsters starting out. And the youngsters don't show a lot of patience for the 6-hour rounds that result from the retirees shuffling around in the rough trying to find their $4 Pro V1's. Don't get me wrong, I expect to be one of them retirees myself some day, but I hope I play faster than the guys I've been stuck behind.

Then there are the country clubs - I've had just a little exposure to this world. Unless your Dad is a country clubber, you're not going to be honing your golf chops in that rarified air. Sure, some clubs set aside "twilight golf" for young golfers, but face this too - the youngsters aren't really welcome until they can really play. The members love.... LOVE... to play with "the kid" who can shoot to a 2 handicap - just don't be finding those skills on my course on my time. The unspoken sentiment: "Me and the guys all paid 20.... 40..... 60 grand this year to be able to tee off when we want, and to hang in the grill-room with a bunch of other guys that pretty much look just like us, and you kids don't even know you have a prostate yet..." Nope, the welcome mat is begrudgingly rolled out for the young men. How many 16-year-olds want to don their Sperry loafers, polo shirt, khaki's and blue blazer to hang with the old guys? Do any 16 year-olds own that kind of clothing?

...and that's the boys! The young girls? They don't have a shot. The irony is that so many clubs are hurting for membership.

So, while I really would prefer to see some sports car ads, a comical Budweiser commercial, or the occasional Victoria's Secret spot during "Playing Lessons with the Pros," maybe the advertisers have it right. Us golfers are in their target demographic of current or near-future E.D. sufferers and weak-stream whizzers. Unless we can figure out how to sustain our ranks through succession, and an ongoing infusion of young people in numbers into our sport, we'll be watching more and more ads geared towards older and older golfers. Soon, Wilfred Brimley will be waving his diabetic finger at us reminding us to test our blood (while heavy metal music plays) between segments of "Big Break XXXXVII."
GF